In many ways, since losing Chloe, I have become fearless. What have I got to lose? I've experienced the worst, imaginable loss of my life. Does it get harder than this? At the same time the world has become unsafe, leaving me with rational and irrational fears. Would I be able to survive another loss- my husband, my two children? The world is not to be trusted. But I have confronted death and it is no longer a dark shadow, which frees me to live fully. The paradoxes of life and fear prevail.
I was forced to confront my fear head-on when I received a call saying my son was in the ambulance headed for the emergency room after having an unexpected seizure. The Saber-Toothed Tiger pursued me but I had to be functional, I had to get to him. I got to his room and leaned down to hug him. He said, "hi, mom." Ok, now I knew he was okay. His friends who had called 911, left the room. I sat beside him and he began to cry. He was traumatized, dealing with his own fear. Over the next few days of watching him heal, I felt fear growing inside of me. It had two faces. One was the thought that I could have lost him. Two, was that we didn't know what caused the seizure and my mind began racing into the future. One evening I felt overcome by this fear, the Tiger was getting closer. I knew I couldn't let it devour me. I stopped, I breathed and I uttered the words, "please help me." My thoughts and emotions slowed and calmed. In the next moment I was thinking, "I wonder why this happened?" Dillon couldn't drive for 90 days causing him to move home and quit his job. Suddenly it came to me, Dillon is being propelled into a deeper purpose for his life. Over the next days I observed that unfolding as I listened to comments he was making about his life and his future. I heard his operatic whistling and singing. His laughter filled the house. Taking a deeper dive into my fear helped me to tame that Saber Tooth Tiger.