Deeper Connection in the Face of Loss

The 6th anniversary of devastating loss arrives, not with looking back nor with emptiness, but with love.  Incredible penetrating love.

It had been a stormy month, with many tears and heartache. The season came with the exact feel as that day in 2010. Beautiful fall days, perfect for a bike ride.  My mind didn't analyze it, but my body absorbed it, my skin felt it, when I took a breath, it was there- cook, but warm.  The leaves were turning golden, just like the season that took my breath away. But in this month of tears Chloe seemed silent.  I became sad, hurt, confused and even angry by her absence. No dreams, not songs or signs.  Just quiet and dormant. My heavy energy of sadness and anger certainly weren't helping. In fact I don't feel anything from the universe at all.  Where is she? I began talking to her honestly, without mincing words.

Finally on Friday as I was driving to work I had a point-blank conversation with her.  I said, "so what, this is over?"  I just wrote a book that said it was possible to maintain connection and now you're bailing on me.  How can I go forward with this book?"  I stepped back a little and wondered if this was taking me to new ground- deeper growth.  Propelling me more into myself or learning about what connection truly is. I needed an answer. 

By the end of the day I was feeling a greater sense of calm even though it was the weekend anniversary.  I knew that all I could do was just take each moment as it came. Night came and I drifted off to sleep and woke up at 4am.  All of a sudden I was surrounded by the visitation.  Chloe had come with Oscar. Knowing that animals can help spirit connection, I wondered if that is why he was there.  I stood there in front of her, trying not to say anything that would cause her to leave.  We just had this quiet moment in each others presence.  Then I spoke softly, "Chloe, would you like to spend the afternoon with me?'  She said, "yes, I would like that."  In the next scene we were eating ice cream together but not exchanging words.  Just being together.  I awoke, laying in bed, I was surprised, shocked that she actually came.  I replayed each moment over and over so it wouldn't get lost.  I was just stunned, having asked her to come that morning and then seeing her so distinctly.  When I woke up I thanked her for coming. 

As I came in from the barn I asked her if she had been with Oscar.  Later in the afternoon I remembered that I had asked her if she wanted to spend the afternoon with me and she said yes, so I decided to head into the woods.  As I went to open the front door I looked down and saw Oscar's metal tag laying on the floor. At first I thought, "oh that must have fallen off his collar," although I was confused as to how it could have just "fallen off" when it had been clamped on so tightly.  I picked it up.  There was no evidence that it had become loose.  It was still a tight s-hook.  All that Oscar had done all night was lay on his mat.  It was not at all likely that it could have just "fallen off." Of course, I knew that, scientifically, this was possible.  However, the whole synchronicity of the event and the feeling that encompassed me, led me to know that Chloe was not only in my dream, but had also been here with Oscar.  A tear came to my eye.  I softened.  She loved me enough to do whatever work it took to come to me. My heart burst open.

The next day I took another walk and sat on my rock talking to Chloe about next steps, the next bridge to walk across.  What would be ahead and what would I need to let go- turn and say good-bye to.  I thought a lot about the person I was and who I am now.  I also thought about who the next version of myself would be. I think I will be learning about deeper connections across time and space. Before I left, I asked Chloe to come to Herm because he was missing her.

Today, October 24, 2016, I woke up and lay still in the quiet morning. Herm began speaking.  He told me that Chloe had come to him.  She was so excited that he and Dillon were going to the World Series.  She had a baseball jersey on.  She was also excited that she would get to ride with Dillon on his trip to Ohio. In the night I had also been with Hope and with Dillon.  It seemed that our hearts were all trying to come together on a different plane.  There was a time I would have just said, "oh, that was just a dream. I have had enough experiences with connection across time and space to know that these are real connections and distance is no longer a barrier to heart connections. I thanked Chloe for her help today. 

There was a fire in the wood stove, I lit candles and Herm sang with his guitar in the background. I was just filled with love and the presence of Chloe. She was not just a memory, but her love was close.